It's time for a change.
With the annual match up against Notre Dame approaching, it's time for USC to embrace its intersectional foe for what it truly is - a worthy adversary with plenty to cheer for.
Channeling my inner David Letterman, I came up with a top 10 list paying tribute to the great university that is Notre Dame. It's about time the Irish get the respect they deserve from their West Coast rival.
Without further ado, I give you 10 reasons not to hate the Fighting Irish.
1. They respect the environment. The groundskeepers at Notre Dame love their turf in South Bend, letting it grow as long as it pleases.
After going months without being cut, this eco-friendly environment serves as the Irish's greatest hope in slowing down opposing offenses while emitting plenty of valuable oxygen into the atmosphere.
2. They don't make people feel left out. Much like a fourth grade coed rec league, the Irish feel that everyone deserves a chance to play.
This week, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis is set to start his third quarterback of the season. Junior Evan Sharpley will get his turn after Demetrius Jones (who has since left the team) and 20-year-old true freshman Jimmy Clausen didn't think it would be fair to make Sharpley sit out. Wouldn't want the parents to complain.
3. They don't take up valuable airtime. Through an exclusive contract with NBC, every Notre Dame home game for the past 13 years has been broadcast on the Bob Costas network.
While you can turn to other networks to watch meaningful games between ranked teams, you can always turn to NBC when your team plays Notre Dame to watch it blow out the Irish on national television. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
4. The Irish are always willing to boost the morale of their postseason opponent. Knowing that a team's bowl game can be used as a springboard heading into the next season, the Irish are open to helping these teams end their season on a high note.
In fact, the Irish have done just that in their last eight bowl games - lose every postseason contest they've played in since 1995. Their last win? A 24-21 victory over Texas A&M in the 1994 Cotton Bowl.
5. They remind us of some of the most obscure, forgotten rules of football. Section 3, Article 2b of the NCAA rule book states that, "The runner shall not grasp a teammate; and no other player of his team shall grasp, push, lift or charge into him to assist him in forward progress."
If it weren't for the Bush Push, obscure rules like this would simply be forgotten like the vegetables on Charlie Weis' plate.
6. They don't discriminate during the hiring process (unless your last name is Willingham, in which case you will be abruptly fired).
The Irish hired coach George O'Leary in 2001 despite "irregularities" in his résumé. O'Leary claimed to have a master's degree in education from New York University and to have played three years of college football at the University of New Hampshire.
Unfortunately, he did not receive any sort of degree from NYU, and UNH says he never played in a single game. He resigned five days after being hired.
7. The Irish bring new meaning to being overrated. If it weren't for Notre Dame, teams everywhere would have nothing to joke about after a disappointing season.
Thanks to Notre Dame's repeated failures at meeting expectations, underachieving teams can joke that they were simply this year's Notre Dame. The Irish have been ranked in the top 10 eight times since their last bowl win but have only ended the season that high once.
8. They unite college football fans everywhere. Touchdown Jesus, Rudy, being "God's team" or fans who can't point to where South Bend is on a map.
Whatever the reason, everybody from the SEC to the Pac-10 can embrace their shared hatred of Notre Dame. Without the Irish, fans would be forced to disband like Charlie Weis' belt loops.
Together we stand, divided we fall.
9. Lou Holtz. Without the lovable loser in ESPN's college football coverage, where would audiences turn when they need comic relief in the form of a delusional, senile former coach with an offensively inaudible lisp?
If the Irish were matched up against this year's New England Patriots, you can bank on ol' Lou picking his beloved underdog. Old people are just so cute sometimes.
10. Brady Quinn's sister. Nah, too easy.
- To comment on this story, visit www.dailytrojan.com or e-mail Joe at jsturner@usc.edu.
